Death to Kids... The Explanation There Of

My grandmother, Mary Jane, recently passed away. She was 100, beloved, and had a great life, so the ceremonies surrounding her death were very much a celebration of a life well lived. 

As Mary Jane was placed on in-home hospice care the last weeks of her life, we had plenty of heads up on her imminent passing. Because of this I was able to bring my three kiddos aged 9, 8, and 6 to her bedside as she lay dying and then again a week later at her funeral where she lay dead. The kiddos were able to ask questions, touch her skin, help with her care, take breaks, and be around a lot of laughter and stories amidst the feelings of loss.

Giving that experience to my kids was one of my proudest parenting moments. However, in guiding the kiddos through their endless questioning, I was really challenged to organize the way that I think about and approach death and that forced me to come to grips with my own views. What I found was that my own thoughts were more disjointed than I had cared to realize.

A couple major trends emerged, but the most important one for me was anchored in the idea of uncertainty. I initially felt compelled to give hard and secure answers to their questions. 

"Where does Grandma go?"

"What happens after death?"

"Will we ever see her again?"

Instead of offering them the clear definitive answer for what happens after death, such as “grandma is in heaven” or “when it’s over, it’s over” I stayed in the uncertainty. I repeatedly said, “no one actually knows.” 

This response led to incredible conversations with my kids. And to my great surprise, they accepted this ambiguity more readily than I did. Perhaps it is their relative chronological distance from death, keeping it a more abstract concept, a fate reserved for 'those old people'. Perhaps it was the naivete of youth. But my impression is that they were much better at accepting the fact that much of life, including its ending and beyond, is outside of their control. 

It made sense to them that no one actually knows. The fact that I spoke my truth, the way I perceived it, allowed them to feel comfort in the uncertainty and to begin forging their own relationship with the end that we all will face.