Non-Traditional Parenting Strategies- Externalize the Monologue

I had kiddos early compared to many of my peers, so it is not uncommon for me to be the purveyor of hard earned wisdom to buddies that have kids that are a couple years younger. I give a lot of traditional advice that you can find in any parenting book or through common culturally accepted practice. However, I thought it would be worth sharing some of my more less main stream go to parenting strategies.

So the next couple posts will list several parenting tips and strategies I have used successfully to improve my parenting.

Remember, before you read this, you like me and think I am a good father.

Externalize the Monologue

Outer monologuing is the term I use to describe vocalizing what is happening inside my head to my kiddos. Early in parenting I often found myself frustrated that my kiddos just weren't getting it. How do they not know not to draw on the walls? How do they not get that taking important items out of my room is not allowed? How do they not get that it is rude to put dirty hands in the shared guacamole? 

Then I realized, oh, they don't have a mental model to help direct this behavior. By outer monologuing it turned frustrating repetitive correction into learning opportunities for both of us. I realized the kiddos were having to play a sort of guessing game, reverse engineering all the "do this" and "don't do that" feedback into a paradigm of how the world worked around them. To do that takes an enormous amount of instances to collect enough data to come up with a reasonably accurate model. The kid's acting out was simply them collecting more data for their model.

By reframing, the interaction with my kids from a from a negative disciplinary event to an "oh buddy, you are just curious about the world' event. Much better for all involved.

Interestingly, focusing on externalizing my monologuing allowed not just for the quicker installation of a social expectations model, it allowed for opportunities for emotional growth.. in both of us. I was shocked how much externalizing my emotions allowed me to both name and process my own emotions.

I realized how many of my own emotional reactions were going unnamed. It also allowed the kids to make sense of how I was feeling and why. This lead to radically better outcomes when we were having conflict. 

When I started outer monologuing it felt very awkward... Like really awkward. I was fumbling trying to articulate the concepts in my head, and not infrequently I would realize I was not making sense. Sticking with the process and pushing through the awkwardness to truly incorporate external monologuing into my parenting allowed me to refine my thinking and sharpen my ability to succinctly talk about the situation on the fly. This made me a much better and more effective parent.