Non-Traditional Parenting Strategies- It Is OK To Get Angry

I had kiddos early compared to many of my peers, so it is not uncommon for me to be the purveyor of hard earned wisdom to buddies that have kids that are a couple years younger. I give a lot of traditional advice that you can find in any parenting book or through common culturally accepted practice. However, I thought it would be worth sharing some of my more less main stream go to parenting strategies.

So the next couple posts will list several parenting tips and strategies I have used successfully to improve my parenting.

Remember, before you read this, you like me and think I am a good father.

It's OK to get angry with your kiddos.

I find that many parents feel shame when they get angry at their children. There seems to be a belief that 'good parents' don't get angry with their kids. That 'good parents' have an inexhaustible well of patience and kindness. That any failure to be patient or to show one's anger is a failure of character. This is simply not realistic. This is no how humans work. And even if one were able to display this inexhaustible patience, I would argue they shouldn't. It just wouldn't be good parenting. 

Let's first get basic. The purpose of parenting can be summarized by a couple tenants.

• The first is that a parent ensures the most basic needs are addressed for the child to live. Think food, water, shelter, clothes, safety. 

• The second is that a parent is responsible for setting their child up for success later in life. I think of this a setting guardrails as opposed to snow plowing the way for your kid or letting the run feral. 

• The third is modeling the behavior of what it is to be a good human being. 

To be a well rounded human being able to express the full range of emotions is important. Both the second tenant and third tenant of parenting then demand that anger be a part of the parenting process.

The second tenant, focused on setting the kiddo up for success later in life, is best served if the kiddo understands basic consequences of their actions: when I do something annoying, people get angry at me. When I am disrespectful, people get angry at me. When I am reckless and destroy something, people get angry at me. Children need to understand that their is a causal relationship between their actions and its effect on other people. The obvious reason for this is to have the child understand how to behave properly in society. But it wasn't until recently that a deeper and I would argue even more important reason for this became apparent to me. When kiddos understand that their behavior matters, and that it directly and causally affects those around them, it gives them an internal locus of control. This ultimately leads to empowerment. 'What I do matters', 'what I do can have a real effect on the world', 'I can change my reaction to change how the world around me works'. This belief is crucial to being a happy, engaged, empowered, and productive adult. This belief is best formed by being nurtured in childhood. 

As we look at the third tenant, focused on modeling behavior, we can see that the way we as parents model anger is often the foundations of what will be adopted by the child. Let's say you grow up in a household where your parents and other caregivers never model how to appropriately use anger.  When the child experiences the overwhelming flood of emotions that is anger, they are not going to have a mental model of how to deal with it. This is not good... not good at all. Instead, by modeling anger in an interpersonal relationship with the child, the parent can teach them 1) anger happens and is a normal part of being human, 2) this is how you deal with it when it arises, 3) we are still cool even when I am angry at you. I love you and I want to mend our relationship. 

It is critical to note that the parent needs to display anger in a modulated manner. They should not be hitting, screaming, or otherwise acting a fool. A good example of anger displayed in a healthy way is directly communicating it. "Hey Kiddo, when you threw the ball and broke the lamp it really made me angry. I am angry because I told you not to throw the ball in the house and you did it anyway. I know that you know better. I expect better of you and know you can perform up to my expectations."