Non-Traditional Parenting Strategies- Share Similar Activities

I had kiddos early compared to many of my peers, so it is not uncommon for me to be the purveyor of hard earned wisdom to buddies that have kids that are a couple years younger. I give a lot of traditional advice that you can find in any parenting book or through common culturally accepted practice. However, I thought it would be worth sharing some of my more less main stream go to parenting strategies.

So the next couple posts will list several parenting tips and strategies I have used successfully to improve my parenting.

Remember, before you read this, you like me and think I am a good father.

Share Similar and Supporting Activities

I have made a conscientious effort to keep my kiddos active to set them up for a healthy and engaged life. In direct opposition to many parenting strategies I have seen, I don't blindly follow a 'let them do what ever they the interested in' strategy. Yes, the kiddo's interest in the activity is an important and necessary element to deciding which activities to put time and resources into, BUT there is more to the decision than that. 

I make sure that the list of activities the kiddos get to explore is inline with things that I want to do with them latter AND they have to not drain my life blood. This is a vastly under-appreciated element in choosing a child activities that most parents miss, setting them on a bad course. A typical negative outcome of not following the advice is that you as a parent become a professional chauffeur, you loose time that you could be spending on self care, and you end up feeling drained, frustrated, and often resentful. Believe me, I see it frequently enough that I think it is now the norm for parenting. You don't want that relationship with your kiddos. You want to enjoy time with your kid AND make the best use of the limited time you have on this earth. That means making this element a 'must have' not a 'want to have'. 

Let's look at some personal examples to send this concept home. 

Golf: I was not a golfer for most of my life. Having come from contact sports, I often scoffed at the fact that golf was even considered a 'sport'. However, I noticed that one of the very few instances in which I saw adult children regularly hanging out with their dads outside of mandatory holiday events was when they were playing golf. I also saw dads and adult children of wildly different athleticism play in fun competitive ways because of the built in handicap system inherent to the sport. What a great long term play I thought to myself. This is a perfect excuse to have something fun regularly scheduled on the calendar. It's a time to spend time together and let conversation naturally arise. So, I got my kids into golf. I got a simulator for my basement and we started playing on rainy days. I then connected with another dad and we set up weekly golf lessons for our two sons which turned into weekly golf sessions out on the course. My oldest son loves this and the investment is already paying off. Our bond has continued to grow stronger over the shared experience and has recently evolved to include banter and side betting such as "who ever looses this hole has to clear the other person's plate at dinner." 

Full disclaimer here... I never said this, but if you want your kiddo to really love golf, let them drive the golf cart. 

Jiu Jitsu: I did Jiu Jitsu for several years in my 20s and stopped right around the start of my second year of medical school. I missed the sport and jumped at the opportunity to get my kids into it. Not only have they absolutely loved Jiu Jitsu, they have gained noticeable self confidence, body awareness, and developed the principles of respect and grit. I often roll with them a bit before practice starts, get a lift in at the gym during their practice, and then roll with them a bit more after practice is over. This allows me both to connect through rough house and it helps me meet my self care needs. All three kiddos entered into their first tournament several weeks ago, and I got to see a side of my youngest kiddo I had never seen before. His first match he went out totally flat on his feet and got dominated by his opponent. His pride (and only his pride) were hurt, causing him to cry. I would have said 95% chance he would have asked to not do his second match of the tournament. He is a sensitive 6 year old and had up to this point showed limited grit to physical or emotional discomfort. To my surprise, instead of wilting under adversity, he rose to the challenge. He came out for his second match full tilt and won it handedly. After being incredibly respectful to his opponent and humble in his victory he ran over to me with the biggest smile and a new gleam of confidence in his eyes. I truly teared up and we shared the biggest hug.

Side note: if you are trying to get your kid into Jiu Jitsu, read them the Warrior Kid series written by former Navy Seal Jocko Willink.

Examples of activities that did not last: 

Fencing was a kiddo activity for all of 3 weeks. Between the long commute, mediocre interest, and nothing for me to do while the practice was going on, it was dead on the vine.

Horseback riding for my middle child was quickly outsourced to the grandparents. Spending 6 hours every weekend driving and watching horses was not how I was going to spend my 30s.

The take home point I want to make is to be diligent and discerning about what activities you let your kiddos get into. Yes, get them active. Yes, have it be something they are interested in. But make sure it is also serving your needs. Too many parents become unwitting mqrtyers, suffering real and negative mental and physical health consequences. Instead, show your kids by example how to be a self advocate while also providing for the needs of people you care about. Modeling that behavior will make you a better parent AND let you live longer.