Sound Divorce Advice With Kids

My mom gave me sage wisdom recently. She said, "You have to love your children more than you hate your ex." 

At the time she had given me this advice my divorce had already turned from amicable, to catastrophic, and then back to amicable. I had ridden the rollercoaster I had never expected to ride and experienced things externally and internally that I had never thought possible. I was able to navigate it, albeit imperfectly so, in a manner which I am proud of. To be able to write that sentence means more to me than I can express.

At the time it was very difficult for me to discern what was guiding me in the chaos of heart and mind, to be able to 'stay the course', to return to kindness over feelings of vengeance, to focus on self reflection over feelings of moral superiority and self-affirming outrage, to stay calm, overriding the primal to inflict as much damage as possible.

What prompted me to choose the path I had taken?

A path that felt like weakness in the moment but turned out to be the very manifestation of strength.

While I didn't know it at the time, I think what my mom had said had been my guiding principle, I focused on loving my children more than hating my ex.

I have seen and heard about too many people, so consumed by their anger in divorce, that they loose themselves. They become defined by their negative emotions, unable to move on to the next chapter in life, unable to step back and see themselves, unable to give love and support to the people who need it the most in this time, the children. I chose not to be consumed, because my identity of being a good dad overshadowed my identity of being a vindicated victim. 

Like Edmond Dantès in The Count of Monte Cristo, the drive for vengeance for perceived wrongs can strongly drive one to extraordinary feats. Be aware and beware.